What To Do If Your Parents Aren't Perfect

PRAY for them

God has called us to pray for all men (I Timothy 2:1), and our parents should be at the top of our prayer list. Why?
1- They're in authority over us, and we may suffer consequences of their mistakes.
2- God has called us to serve and honor them (Exodus 20:12), promising a reward.
3- It will turn your heart toward God as you spend the time with Him.
4- It will turn your heart toward your parents in a special way (Malachi 4:6).
5- Since you live with your parents, you can quickly discern when they need prayer, and for what, and you have the excitement of quickly seeing the effect of your prayer.

Pray fervently, consistently, and daily for your parents, with your whole heart, crying out to God to give them victory over their weaknesses. Notice how this dramatically changes your attitude, putting you on their side, so to speak, not to mention the growth this will cause in your parents.

Discern how God wants to work in their lives, and join Him there in specific prayer (John 5:19-20). You can discern this through character deficiencies you observe, guided by prayer and the Holy Spirit's prompting; through rhemas and faults that your parents share; and through pressure you observe on them in certain areas.

Once you discern the areas in which you will focus your prayer for your parents, identify specific situations in which they should show good character in these areas, and pray specifically for these as they arise. For example, you could pray for your father to overcome anger when you ride in the car with him and observe other drivers showing discourtesy to him.

Tell your parents that you are praying for them, and ask them for prayer requests.

Be PATIENT for change.

God is in the process of perfecting all of us, and He isn't finished yet (Philippians 1:6). Proverbs 21:1 gives special encouragement regarding authorities: "The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever he wishes." Changing a river takes both pressure and patience. Let God give the pressure, and you be patient – not the other way around. The pressure God puts on parents to change them may result in pressure upon you, but take cheer: God is bringing the problem to light so that He can solve it. Your prayers, not counter-pressure upon your parents, will hasten this process.

As in the case of Samuel and Eli, God often speaks to those under authority before He directs their leaders. Therefore, you may be very upset when your parents take you in a direction that you know isn't God's will, but just wait for God to change circumstances, your parents' hearts, and/or your understanding of what He communicated to you. If God is powerful enough to disclose His will, He is powerful enough to perform it Himself.

Pursue PEACE with all (Romans 12:18).

Your parents' conflicts may make it difficult for you to maintain peace with them; however, God will give sufficient grace for you to make the sacrifice necessary to obey Romans 12:18. One such sacrifice may be giving up activities you enjoy, for when conflicts arise you should make it your responsibility to see that you have the full blessing of both parents for each activity you do (exception: after an appeal, obey your father's instructions, even if your mother disapproves). Never take advantage of parental disharmony by seeking from one parent personal favors of which the other parent doesn't approve. Beware especially of taking your mother's place for your father.

Prize your PERFECT Father

God, your great heavenly Father, is perfect! Every virtue you miss in your earthly parents is abundant and all the more evident in God. Develop a close relationship with Him, through the deficiencies of your parents. Remember that in His faithful perfection He gave these parents to you to partially picture Him, and to bring you to maturity and final perfection in heaven. Our attitude toward our parents tends to transfer to the Lord, and vice versa.

Even to His own perfect Son, God gave imperfect parents who did not understand God's plan for Him (Luke 2:48); and God sent Him through trials to teach Him obedience (Hebrews 5:8), followed by great ministry (Hebrews 8:9). If God's perfect Son needed to learn obedience through suffering, how much more do we!

PROCURE wisdom (Proverbs 4:5).

Every time you observe a conflict, you can determine what each party could have done to avoid it, and what each could now do to solve it. This is good training in wisdom, because you can see firsthand causes and effects; and this works especially well with parents, because we tend to be very much like them, especially if we dislike them. Write down your insights.

Think of similar present or possible future conflicts in your life to which you can apply the wisdom you gain, and follow your Biblically-based steps to resolve or prevent them. But don't give your advice to your parents unless they request it (Proverbs 17:28).

Don't PREACH to your parents.

Although it's unpleasant to realize that we don't always know best, let's face the facts: your parents are much older than you, and thus they are more experienced, more knowledgeable, and wiser. For this reason, "advice" (nagging) from you irritates them, because they know better than you do; they may not even think that your plan is worthy of response. Their lack of response to your argument doesn't mean they agree with you!

Almost every time that we perceive wrong in our parents, one or both of two things is true: (1) we don't know all the facts and (2) it's none of our business anyway. Additionally, youth have an amazing ability to think logically to the wrong conclusion! We should make a proper appeal, without pressure, but we should leave the results in God's hand, because He does know all the facts; it's definitely His business to work through authority; His logic is reliable; and He is far more able to change our parents' hearts than we are. Allow Him to free you from worry.

Trust in God's POWER.

Usually these situations that distress us work out just fine, to our amazement. That is because we left out one ingredient in our logic: God's power. We don't realize how much His power is evident on earth directly through authority! He knows our parents' weaknesses, and He will often arrange circumstances to compensate for these weaknesses.

Never take matters into your own hands, even if you know that your parents' mistakes will bring harmful consequences which you could prevent. Even if this does happen, if you presented a polite appeal, you will be free from worry because the consequences are not your fault. Proverbs 20:18 says, ". . . Wait for the Lord, and He will save you." God will surely take up a matter left in His hands. And your parents will learn much more from failure, if it comes, than from success caused by your taking matters into your own hands.

PROVE yourself an example (I Timothy 4:12).

Actions speak much more loudly than words. Instead of telling your parents what they should do, strive to be a pure example in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity. Learn from I Peter 3:1-6, which tells the Godly wife of an unbelieving husband that she can convert him without a word by her chaste, respectful behavior.

PRAISE your parents to others.

Too many times youth cluster in a conversation about how strict or angry or crazy their parents are. This is devastating to family relationships! Exodus 20:12 tells us to honor our parents (without exception for any failures), so purpose to tell your friends only good things about your parents.

Don't compare your parents to your friends' parents; you get special grace that those with perfect parents would completely miss. Also, you do not live with your friends' parents, so you have an incomplete picture of what they are like. Perhaps they are not quite perfect after all.

Compile a list of good things about your parents to tell your friends, and you may be surprised to discover all the ways that your parents show you they love you dearly. Parents provide instruction, direction, provision, and correction, in addition to performing many big and little favors for us daily. Express your gratefulness to your parents, too.

PURPOSE to make them successful.

An attitude of service is difficult in the face of failure, but view your parents as your mission field instead of your enemies. Joyfully serve each of your parents, seeking to make them successful in everything they do that is not evil. Do so because of their position over you, without necessarily condoning what they do.

Accept PROTECTION.

Parents often put around their children what seem like unreasonable barriers, to protect them from the mistakes they are prone to make because they themselves (the parents) made these mistakes growing up, and suffered unexpected consequences. At other times parents may appear harsh in their attempt to correct a character deficiency that their child does not know he has. Both of these situations are special protection and not abuse.

PURIFY your character.

Identify the root character problems of the imperfections you see in your parents' lives. Then examine your own life with the light of God's word to see if the same root problems exist there. You will probably find that they do, and are manifesting themselves in you in far worse ways than in your parents, though perhaps in different ways that are harder for you to recognize.

With the help of God and your parents, confess and correct these sins, as well as the faults to which your parents react.

PERMIT false accusations.

If you feel falsely accused, don't react immediately. You may be tempted to do this especially if the accusation is partly true, which is usually the case; but defense will probably only worsen matters and demonstrate other faults, such as anger or pride. Don't explain your innocence in all the little matters, or in the face of an emotionally charged accusation.

Follow the example of Jesus (Mark 15:5), who stood quietly under much more serious charges which resulted in His death. Really, what would happen to you if everyone believed these accusations against you to be true? Your reputation might suffer, but just be concerned for God's reputation and let Him take care of yours. If God wants you to reply to the accusation, He will put words in your mouth (Luke 12:11-12).

PERCEIVE the benefits of having imperfect parents.

Make a list of all the benefits you would reap if your parents were this way or worse for the rest of their lives. For example, you would be prepared for bigger trials later in life (James 1:12); you would be sensitive to minister to hurting people; and it would make you humble (II Corinthians 12:7).

Living with flawed parents is indeed a trial, but cherish II Corinthians 12:7-10: ". . . And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' . . . Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

God loves you, and hears your cries (Exodus 2:24-25); He has great sympathy for you and suffers with you (Isaiah 63:9) . It is only for very special reasons that He allows your parents to remain imperfect. Through this trial in your life, He wants to demonstrate His power made perfect in you, a wonder which cannot be worked through anything but such trials.

When your life is over and you see God's full plan for your life, including imperfect parents, you will be grateful for your parents and understand that no other parents would have worked so well for you.